I am proud of how far I have come.

I am actually able to enjoy my life. This time last year I absolutely did not think that was ever going to happen again. I like where I live and I like having roommates again. Maybe it’s my recent Friends binge watching on Netflix, but I’d like to think our living room is Central Perk. So, obviously, I am thankful for that miracle.

But this stage has its own obstacles. Learning to be happy for the happiness of others has been my challenge. In some shameful ways, it brings me to anger. Not at my loved ones, but at the unfairness, God threw at me. So you’re telling me that this does exist, but I can only have it for a glimpse while others get to have it for the rest of their lives?

In other ways it brings me hope to see the people I love to achieve the kind of happiness I once had. It gives me hope that it is still out there. It validates that what I had wasn’t some dream, but it was real and lives on beyond just Kevin.

Then there are some really random things I never thought would affect me. For example, I like going out and seeing friends… but MERCY after a few drinks and dinner… I’m ready to call it a successful night.

I can remember Kevin seeing pictures of people he knew out at some bar partying and getting bottle service… He laughed hysterically because it was 8pm on a Friday and he was in his robe, cooking dinner with me about to watch a movie. The best part was that he didn’t want it any other way. He would tell me, “God, if only I could tell my 21yr old self that I’ve seen the other side and it is so much better.”

I miss that.

Part of this is just a different stage of life. In a weird way, it’s like I’ve been released back into the single world of dating, but everyone is already pregnant, married or still acting like they are 21yrs old.

Recently, I was at a sweet friend’s wedding trying to soak in the happiness of the evening and focus on that hopeful feeling I talked about earlier. I was doing well. I felt like I was making Kevin proud, but then someone decided that I was not doing well. They took it upon themselves to send a drunken guy over to me with the instructions (actual spit came out of his mouth by the way) “I’ve been told you need to dance, so you’re coming to dance with me.”

I’ve never been angrier in my life.

Let me be clear, I have come a very long way and thank God for that, but I am moving at my heart’s pace. I will dance when I want to dance. I will cry like a lunatic when I want to cry. And if one day, I am swept off my feet by another guy it will not be on the instructions of someone else. He will do it by his own accord and hopefully, sober. I mean you are talking about a girl that didn’t learn to ride a bike until I was 22yrs old. I know it has been a year since I lost Kevin, but just give me time, damn it. I’ll get there.

I try not to let that anger eat at me because I know at some level that person felt they were doing a good thing. Similar to the people that tell me, “I hope you are able to move on.”

They don’t know that the phrase, “move on” is like a knife in my heart. It’s not that I plan on staying stagnant in this pain, but the phrase “move on” sounds to me like I am leaving Kevin behind. That doesn’t make sense to me because Kevin is forever a part of me. To say that I have to leave him to live my life is a contradiction.

As insignificant as it may sound, I like to say that I am “moving forward.” I am not leaving anything behind because it has made me what I am today. My grief, my love and yes, my reluctance to dance at times… all of it has shaped me.

Therefore all of it, including Kevin, will come with me.

Till Next Time.