“I don’t know my purpose in life, but I know that I love you.”

That is a quote from Kevin that I have thought about an awful lot these last few months.  The idea that our life needs a purpose. You think you have all this time to figure out what that purpose is and then BAM! Life hysterically laughs at your delusional dream.

That can be overwhelming. My over analyzing self can waste hours worrying about it. Good Lord, I worry about what I will do if I win the lottery and I have never even bought a ticket. But seriously, what the hell is my purpose? What is the point of having one if it can be taken away the moment you find it? I reread the eulogy I wrote for Kev because I needed the reminder of what I held onto that horrible day.

Kevin knew his purpose all along. He knew that his purpose was to build a life filled with a loving family and good friends. The very sentence I keep replaying in my head states that. His purpose were his loved ones. Plain and simple. Everything else came after that.

Not the other way around. Everything he did was for the betterment of his life, our life, and his family’s life. Yes, even our dog’s lives. It all stemmed from his strong love. He picked up the phone to call, he would drive hours to attend weddings, he’d get up to walk the dogs, he mounted the television in his Mom’s room, he wrote notes in my lunchbox, he pursued nursing, he wrestled with his niece and nephew. He did all of that for his purpose: his loved ones.

It’s easy to get caught up in this pain and grief, but at the end of the day, I know my purpose: my loved ones.

Fortunately for me, they include more than just myself, my family and my friends. They now include his loved ones. When rereading the eulogy I laughed at what I promised his family because it’s true. They are stuck with me. It may seem odd to some, but I could not imagine my life without them. I am blessed beyond belief that his mother and sisters consider me a part of their family. That is not something I take for granted.

Kevin gave me an unconditional love that I could almost never put into words. To be honest, neither could he. That’s because he didn’t just spit beautiful words out there like some meaningless checklist. He proved it every day. That’s when I feel the most fulfilled… when I am able to carry on his love like he did.

To me, then his life mattered.

To me, then his purpose mattered.

One of my favorite poems that I have turned to before when losing a loved one is by Emily Dickinson:

“Unable are the Loved to die
For Love is Immortality,
Nay, it is Deity—

Unable they that love—to die
For Love reforms Vitality
Into Divinity.”

I don’t think I learned the true meaning of it until this loss, but those words never hit truer. Kevin’s love can never die because I am going to carry it on.

Until Next Time.