October and I were not very good friends so I’m trying to make nice with November.

I let my anxiety get the best of me and it overtook my body. Your health can only take so much of that. Sometimes I don’t even realize I am doing it. My shoulders tense up, the acid in my stomach builds and I simply cannot function. The weight of my emotions wears me down.

I have discovered that there are two Melissa’s (Forgive me if this sounds insane, but it makes sense to me):

1. The Warrior:
   1. Doesn’t take shit from anyone, including her grief.
   2. Out to prove she can live life to it’s fullest.
   3. Fights for what makes her happy.
2. The Worrier:
   1. Silently crumbles at every obstacle because why bother?
   2. Wrapped in bitterness that the world took away her happiness.
   3. Feels guilty about any progress.

Both seem to be fueled by my loss of Kevin, but how they react is drastically different. I love my Warrior self. She’s fun, kicks ass and brings me the light.  So, last month I tried to cancel out The Worrier. I thought that she was the enemy and that Biaatch needed TO GO. To say that it backfired would be an understatement. Ever tried to give up something cold turkey? Well, cut to me 3 doctors visits, a hospital visit, a shot, medication and a bucket of fried chicken later (Don’t judge, I’m a carbs girl).

Yeah, that Biaatch wasn’t going anywhere.

That’s because The Warrior and The Worrier are the same person.

To try and split them up would be catastrophic for my soul. I have to learn how to manage them both. I am trying to understand that I can’t be so hard on The Worrier because her concerns stem from real hurt. My anxiety levels spiked for many reasons that I couldn’t control, but one of them being the ever close anniversary of Kev’s passing. These concerns are valid and to deny them is not healthy. It’s fine to love the Warrior spirit, but to ignore what’s really hurting your soul is poisonous.

However, I have found one way to approach them. One of my guilt-ridden issues was that I refused to take long walks without Kevin. It was OUR thing and my favorite thing. How could I possibly go on doing that without my favorite person? When really, my question should have been: How could I possibly not go on doing that FOR my person?

When The Warrior and The Worrier find common ground, then I can find peace.

The Worrier alerts me to my hurt and The Warrior finds the way to heal.

Both have a purpose and are a part of my soul.

My prayer is that I continue to find that balance. I pray that those who loved Kevin like I did find their own balance too. I pray that he knows how much he is missed and how greatly he is still needed. Mostly, I pray that he feels my love for him never stops.

Till Next Time.