There is no preparing for the kind of pain grief brings upon your soul. I thought I had felt low before, but I had never reached this dark space where no hope or light existed. I am a relatively positive person and no matter how low I feel, I have always managed to find some light. This darkness is different. It has made me fully understand the power of a dementor in Harry Potter.

Somewhere Kevin is rolling his eyes and laughing at me. You know you love my HP fandom, Kev. Deal with it.

In all seriousness, a dementor’s job is to drain all of the happiness and hope from a human. Imagine having all that you know of love and light being sucked away from you. How more accurate could that be when describing grief?

In this dementor-like state, I have found that I desperately seek the light. I make plans with friends. I buy flowers. I sit on the beach. I take long walks through my neighborhood. I put on make-up. I take a pure barre class.

Now some of this may sound surface level, but I don’t care. This is desperation. If I find anything that can bring me out of this dark state, even for a moment, I’ll take it.  Because despite the fact that I am unable to see the light in this devastation, the only thing that makes me feel normal is that I WANT to see it. And that desire to find the light I use to have within me; it gives me hope.

So I buy the nice dress or I go to the festival. I attend temple. I do things in hopes that one day, I’ll be able to stay in the light. That I find my patronus and learn to kick the dementors ass.

Till next time.