Currently, I am sitting in Chicago O’Hare Airport eating the same meal that I shared with Kevin almost three years ago.  Sam Adams and buffalo wings because I am a classy lady with excellent taste. We were eating this delicious meal of carbs and alcohol because I had just received a promotion that would move us to Jackson, MS. I had been terrified to tell this boy from New Orleans, LA that my company wanted me to move to Jackson, MS. This was going to be a conversation that I was certain would end in him leaving me.

I was so very wrong.

His warm eyes and infectious smile pierced through my heart as he yelled, “A promotion?! Babe?! We are going to Jackson, MS and I am so proud of you!”

Do you know that I cried like a little girl? Here this man sat before me with an unconditional love and support for me. I never loved him more than in that moment.

So here I sit now. Drinking my favorite beer and eating my favorite food because I am celebrating another life moment. After ten years in Mississippi and five years with the same company, I have accepted a marketing position in Nashville, TN!

Just over a year ago my life was changed forever without my consent or my control. I did not want to return back to my life in Jackson. Mercy, I did not want to leave my bed. The truth was that I could never truly “go back” to my life in Jackson because it no longer existed. It no longer included Kevin.  Many people thought I would leave and I absolutely considered it. I was dead set on giving up and going into seclusion for a while.

My Grandpop sat me down the day before Kevin’s funeral and said some of the most painful truths I’ve ever heard. He told me, “You must get back to your life in order to move forward. You have to go to Jackson and pick up where you left off. You cannot go backward. People will surround you now, but eventually, it will get quiet and you will be on your own with your grief. It will be difficult, but you have to move forward.” I was never more upset and angry. Sure, he can say all those things he wants, but I am NOT going back to Jackson.

Naturally, I went back to Jackson because- duh he was right and-duh-I knew it all along, but duh- I am stubborn.  The truth is always hard to hear and even more painful to accept, but I figured this was going to be the first decision in my new life and I didn’t want to start it off by running away. The next year was extremely difficult. It did get quiet and I was eventually on my own in my grief. I had to focus on healing my soul. This is a very easy thing to say, but a bitch to actually make happen.

I started to learn that in order to move forward I needed to do three things:

1. Accept Kevin’s new place in my heart.
2. Create a life of my own.
3. Understand that tasks one and two are forever ongoing.

Truly, task three was the breaking point for me. I slowly learned that grief is not like a race where there is a defined finish line for you to yell:

I DID IT! I AM HEALED!! PRAISE THE LORD!!!

That is a beautiful image that I often fantasized about; however, it is a fantasy.

My true healing is an ongoing journey. There are finish lines on a Monday where I was able to genuinely laugh at something funny. There are finish lines in the month of September where I could afford to visit great friends. There are finish lines when I allow myself to cry in my car by myself to feel the pain of missing Kevin and then go into work.

This realization became even more apparent when I had to attend another funeral. This time, it was for one of Kevin’s cousins. Something about this hit me in a very different way. Another young death? I started to sink into this dark slump… then I received a phone call from one of my favorite of Kevin’s cousins. It’s funny, I’ve only met Chris a handful of times, but he has always reminded me the most of the Kevin.  I can remember even Kevin telling me that he and Chris were cut from the same cloth. I could easily see it.

We talked about the loss, about how Kevin would have reacted and just caught up on each other’s lives. Then at one point he asked me, “What the hell is keeping you in Mississippi?” I rattled off some answer that consisted of how it’s helped me grow into the person I am now etc. He responded flatly, “Yeah, that sounds like a great synopsis of your 20’s, but what’s next? You could go and do anything you wanted. What do you have holding you back?”

Now let me say that I have had friends and family give me these kinds of talks before, but there was something about this time that made it different. I am not sure if it was the fact that I was about to attend a funeral or if it was because it came from the closest person I had to Kevin or maybe all the stars aligned. Probably, it was a combination.

For the next week, I thought non-stop about that question,

“What do you have holding you back?”

Then I thought long and hard about my second goal through my grief journey:

Create my own life.

It was like a switch flipped on in my brain and I knew that in order to truly create my own life I needed to leave Jackson, MS. I had to spread these wings (yes, so cheesy – relish in it) and create my own life in a new city. When I accepted my offer with a new job in a new city the first thing I thought of were those warm eyes and that infectious smile. I could just feel his pride in me and it was then that I knew I had done the right thing.

A quick love note to Mississippi:

My Sweet Magnolia State,

 As a Jewish girl from Maryland, I had a lot to be fearful about moving to the bible belt nearly 10 years ago. To this day I get asked the same question, “What on Earth brought you to move to MISSISSIPPI?!” The answer is simple, the people. Ignore the stereotypes and our foolish leaders. Mississippi, you gave me lifelong friends, a career, my first love and a need for delicious southern food. I will not miss your humidity, but I’ll always be grateful for knowing your southern charm. 

My life is changing forever, but this time, it is in my control and it is because of my decision. This could not have been done without the unconditional support from my loved ones for they have been my truth tellers when my grief blinded me.

As I sit in this Chicago airport I can’t help but cry happy tears… because of all the finish lines that I have accomplished in this last year, this one truly feels the most like I am LIVING DELIBERATELY.

Till Next Time.