My journey through grief has been such a learning experience.

One would expect it to be difficult, but I never expected the deep level of soul-searching that happens. Grief essentially strips you down to your core and you’re forced to face your WHOLE self. That includes all those deep dark corners of yourself that you have been ignoring.

Bitterness. Cynicism. Neurosis. Jealousy. Selfishness. Insecurity.

ALL OF IT.

I need to know all the pieces of my soul. The light and the dark. 

The reason for this self-audit, as I am finding out, is that it doesn’t take much for the dark to overtake me. It’s sneaky. Something minor will happen. A bump in my day. Then it will be followed by a few other stressful scenarios. The snowball of emotions starts to rise. Suddenly, I am flashing back to all the horror I went through and OH GOD, WHY DO I EVEN TRY? Damnit. I want Kevin back. Give me ice cream and bed.

Yes, it’s that fast. Yes, it’s dramatic. Yes, I hate it.

From this, I have also learned what feeds my soul light.

Ambition. Determination. Humor. Independence. Compassion. Friendship.

When I think back to how I survived this time last year… How I was able to go back to work after losing the love of my life. How in the hell I was able to pack up Kev’s things and slowly move towards my new future. I think of these sources of light that guided me through my devastation. Learning to harness them for my betterment is something I’ll use for the rest of my life.

I’m not sure I fully grasped my strengths until this year. I like to think of them when I feel my weakest. When I am so beaten down and just worn thin from life’s pressures. I reflect on all sources of light that God has given me and I feel a true sense of empowerment. 

Ice cream and bed are tempting, but I know that exercise, conversation with a friend and fueling my body with healthy food is what I need.

Side Note: For about four months I stopped working out and MERCY the decline in my mental/physical health was drastic. I don’t care if you just go on a long walk – do it. Your mind, body, and soul will thank you. This message brought to you by a girl who worked out for the first time in four months THREE days ago and is STILL sore. Carry on.

I keep thinking of this quote by Albert Camus that has stuck with me since college. It spoke to me when I was going through a difficult time in my personal life then and it still speaks to me now:

“In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer”

My winters will change. They will be bitter, cold and sometimes just a light flurry, but I know how to fight them. I know myself and I know my light. It’s just a matter of harnessing that invincible summer. 

Until Next Time.