We have finally seen a few signs of fall weather in Mississippi and I hate it. The very scent of a pumpkin candle makes me want to punch a wall. Fall is normally my favorite season. From football to Oktoberfest beers to warmer clothes that hide my pale skin and hearty fall food. I love it all.

Except, this year is different. Instead of getting excited that I can start throwing pumpkin spice into everything around me (coffee, candles, pancakes, pie etc.) there is anxiety. My growing anxiety for the upcoming one year anniversary of Kev’s passing.

And of all days it falls on Thanksgiving. It’s my favorite holiday, damn it.

I have a real sense of anger towards God for his timing. This can be hard for me to admit. Having anger towards God is a difficult feeling to process. I know that there isn’t an adequate time to take a loved one away, but really? You are going to take my favorite person away from me during my favorite time of the year?! It seems so cruel.

So now the sound of football and the taste of apple cider make my heart ache. I am not a summer person – humidity can suck it – my allergies hate spring and winter? I moved south for a reason. No, fall is my season.

At Sunday night’s Rosh Hashanah services, the Jewish New Year, our Rabbi said something that stuck with me. He said, “It is equally important to not let your sorrow prevent your joy as it is to not let your joy prevent your sorrow.”

Judaism teaches that there is a balance to these emotions. Each deserves their own time to be felt. I believe God has me dealing with this immense pain during my favorite season to assist me in finding that balance.

So yeah… you may see me crying while drinking a PSL, but know that I am finding my balance.

In all seriousness, I will rely on the healing powers of my favorite season to help me through this next step in my journey. There is truly something spiritual to me when taking a long walk on a brisk fall day as the leaves begin to change and the smell of pine fills the air. It’s a signal that my God is with me, that Kev is with me and that the harvest of this season will bring me healing.

Till Next Time.