I remember his family asking what I wanted to keep. What did I want to keep? I want Kevin. Nothing else mattered. We continued packing up his things. 800 pairs of shoes, fraternity shirts, and more shoes. I imagine Kev’s closet in heaven has an entire section for shoes.

Packing up his life was an unbearable pain, but I wanted to help.

Nothing seems to get me more than his smell. Yes, there are bad smells and then there is just HIS smell. Smelling his scent could pierce right through my heart. Funny enough, that’s what I decided to keep.

Something that permanently had his scent: his robe.

Yes, I dated a Grandpa who LOVED being in his robe. I got it for him for Christmas two years ago and he didn’t take it off for three days. I wish I was making that up. Though, when I think of Kevin and our favorite times together he was in that man robe.

Cooking, walking the pups, watching movies, reading, drinking our morning coffee, eating ice cream or staying up talking. It was robe time and my favorite time.

So, that is what I kept. When I am missing him most I just press my face into that robe and it is a key to our memories.

Some days I NEED to smell it and some days I can’t even look at it. And if Kev knew I’d be using his robe as my personal smelling machine, then he probably would have washed it.

This is not an endorsement for poor hygiene by any means because I begged him to clean it, but I’m so glad he didn’t. I miss that idiot and I’m trying to use every tool I can to cope without him.

After seeing a lot of our friends over the weekend it is a tool I needed today.

I did have moments of comfort from people who said they read this blog and I am thankful for them. Being reminded of the positives that can be born from my pain is a healing magic on its own.

But this pain is not something that will just go away. It is getting lighter, but it is still very much there. Taking a moment of smelling a robe and FEEL our memories helps me to remember the most important part of my grief…

I grieve because I loved.

Understanding the balance of those two elements brings my heart some peace.

Till Next Time.