My heart’s birthday is this Saturday, August 8th.

He would have been 30 years old.

Instead of talking about how gut wrenching that fact is for me to accept, I wanted to take this time to reflect on this short life we are given.  Because it is just that, short. It’s easy to get caught in the routine of work, sleep, and repeat. I mean for most of this grief journey it’s been only about that. Sort of a ‘just does what I need to survive’ kind of living. Getting out of bed was an accomplishment. But shouldn’t life be more than that?

I have written about this previously, but I can never write the words live deliberately enough. If I was a tattooing kind of girl that would be imprinted on my arm so I’d never forget it. I’m too much of a wimp for that, though. Those words are just so powerful. They are my life’s mantra and I feel like they are Kevin’s legacy. I’ve noticed that my healing process consists of replacing my pain with courage. It’s a new fearless outlook on how I approach my life. Essentially, I will no longer take it for granted.

So instead of looking back at my heart’s life that was cut too short I want to honor him by living out mine to it’s fullest. I want to remember the things that Kevin and I used to talk about doing. Our dreams and hopes for the future. Some are small and some are big. Mostly they tend to center on food, music, and history. Some are dreams I’ve had since I was a little girl and some are ones that Kevin influenced. I don’t want this list to be stagnant. I don’t want it to be something that I look at and say “oh, wouldn’t that be nice.”

I want to look at it and say, “That was awesome, what’s next?”

In no particular order:

• Stand on top of Masada in Israel. My favorite story from Sunday school.
• Throw a wine and cheese party.
• Attend a concert at Red Rocks Amphitheater in Colorado.
• See Mumford & Sons perform live.
• Watch an old movie at an outdoor cinema. Preferably one with food trucks because I dream big.
• Travel to Boston:  Red Sox game, Freedom Trail and the Sam Adams brewery.
• Swim under a waterfall.
• Travel across Italy: Gelato, wine and pretty much any of their food.
• See as many comedians and Broadway shows as I possibly can.
• Travel to Philly: Cheesesteak, Independence Hall & see where my Grandpa grew up.
• Attend an LSU football game. Yes, I am a Southern Miss fan… but come on.
• Go sailing like I did when I was little.

The picture I chose for this post is one of my favorites. At that very moment, I have a death grip on Kev’s hands and am gritting my teeth, “take the damn picture.” I have no idea how he got me on that rickety gondola at the Mississippi state fair, but I am so glad he did. It was a breathtaking view that made you believe you escaped the world for a moment. I mentioned to him that I would love to ride it if I wasn’t too scared. The next thing I know he grips my hand and says: “Get. On. The. Gondola.”

Because even then he knew… life is too short to let fear hold you back.

Till next time.