What happened? Why did this happen? Who found him? Who was he with? Where was he? What did he do that day? Can you ask her what really happened? Is that all you found out? Maybe he would know more? Do you think she’s hiding something? Does he have a family history? Was he sick that day? Did he tell you he wasn’t feeling well? How is this possible?

That is just a taste of the firestorm that surrounds a person who experiences a sudden loss. You, your family and your friends are flooded with questions. Not to mention the questions you are asking yourself.

The thing about a sudden loss is… it’s sudden. It shocks the soul. No one is prepared for it and it doesn’t make sense. That kind of combination leads to a frenzy. Even in movies I feel like you see bereaved people screaming “WHY?!”

I screamed. I kicked. I punched. My body lost control when I found out Kevin was gone. I truly felt deflated. I began this hunt to find answers. WHY was he taken from me? I had just experienced an eruption of horror and I felt like I was free falling into an abyss of darkness. I needed to know what the hell flung me into this nightmare.

To be met with an answer that leaves you even more confused than before is an indescribable devastation. A heart attack? At 29 years old? I don’t even like when a doctor tells me I JUST have a cold. No sir, this sickness is much worse than that. Now make it better.

A cruel irony is that the EMT found vitamins in Kevin’s bag. Aren’t they supposed to make a body stronger?

You start to realize no answer is going to give you peace. No answer is going to take away that devastation. No answer is going to bring my heart and soul back to me.

There is another side to this frenzy, though. It’s the frenzy of those unable to accept the sudden loss. These individuals NEED a more defined answer about his death… something that made more sense to them. These inquisitions begin. They hunt from person to person… Who has THE TRUTH??!!

I think it is human nature that when something bad happens to someone else we NEED to know that it cannot happen to us. Especially when it comes to mortality, but it applies to anything. Lost your job? People would rather hear you screwed up at something vs. the company just needed to make cuts. Get divorced? People want to hear you had a drinking problem vs. you just fell out of love.

Kevin just had a heart attack. In a matter of weeks, I watched as more death followed him. There were two girl’s fiancés, one of my Dad’s football players and a close family friend. All had sudden deaths.

I cannot heal by searching for an answer that makes better sense to me or those around me. That is just not reality and it’s true cowardice.

I can choose to define Kevin by the man he was in life rather than how quickly he left. I can be thankful for the people that also focus on his life rather than trying to accept their own version of his death. I can’t bring Kevin back and I can’t protect him from the chatter, but I can look to the heavens and know that that man is smiling back at me.

Till next time.