That’s the biggest lie anyone could tell me.

My soul has been torn apart and my entire world has been changed forever. That sounds like such a grand statement and even I can’t fully believe I am applying it to myself, but it’s true. Kevin holds so much of my heart and to have it ripped from me is to rip a piece of my soul away.

That’s what we are dealing with here, a damaged soul. To describe the outcome of this healing process as “you’re going to be okay” is simply not accurate. Save that sentiment for days when I am stressing about money or car troubles. Those problems can be fixed and I will be okay. Seriously, tell me to calm down or just give me Reese’s cup.

For this Earth shattering pain I prefer different sentiments. The kind that shows me you understand the gravity of my situation. The kind that reminds me that the deep pain is also a symbol of the deep love Kevin and I have for one another. The kind that shows me you are here for me in whatever capacity I may need help. I have been fortunate to receive those exact actions and I am incredibly grateful for them.

My favorite sentiment, however, is from a local Rabbi in Jackson. It is the black ribbon you see in this picture. I have been fortunate in that I have never had to experience the Jewish mourning process, but Rabbi Ted Riter helped me along. I won’t go through all of the elements, but I will share with you the act of Keriah. It is the traditional Jewish act or ceremony of ripping a garment or ribbon as a symbol of mourning.

There are two parts to the purpose of this tearing:

One is to symbolize the ripping of one’s heart at the loss of your loved one.

The second is it requires you to sew this ribbon back together on the one year anniversary of your loved one’s death.

Rabbi Riter explained to me that I will sew this ribbon back together, but that I must not strive for perfection. The goal of this sewing is not to recreate the ribbon as it once was because that can never happen. The tears, just as the tears in my heart, will never be the same, but they will heal. The point is to understand that I am a soul and my loved one is a soul. The body, being finite, does die. Yet the soul, the essence of our loved one, is eternal. The connection between us lives on. The soul will tear and change over time, but is infinite.

These are the sentiments that I hold onto with all my heart.

Till next time.