Letting go of my bitterness has been a challenge.

How can I be hurt by people who are simply living their lives post-losing Kevin?

It’s not anyone’s fault. I just seem to be having a hard time letting go of this hurtful feeling that I am being forgotten now that Kevin is gone. That without Kevin I no longer matter to certain people. Again, irrational and again, how I feel.

I have friends that have gone through break ups and experienced the same kind of feelings. Groups of their friends were forced to choose between them and their former partner. Suddenly, the family stops inviting you to parties and the friends stop reaching out. I once had a friend tell me, “I feel like we went through a divorce and she got our friends.”

I remember thinking, are they really your friends if they left you? Were they ever your friends to begin with? And Oh Dear God!  How many years were they pretending to be your friend because of the person you dated?

Similar questions now fill my head.

I try to think of what Kevin would tell me. He was my rational sounding board. I would do my show and tell of what I thought was awful, “Look! SEE HOW BAD?!”

Typically, he would first make me laugh so I would stop fuming. How he managed to do this is something short of a miracle, but he would do it. Then he’d make me think from the other person’s perspective and calm my overreacting self down. It was annoying, but I knew I needed it. This just meant that if he did agree in my observation, then it was serious.

Now, I feel he would tell me not to think so harshly of people. No one is doing anything to intentionally hurt me. They all have their own hurt and are dealing with it in their own ways.

It also involves my insecurity. “DO THEY NOT LIKE ME?!?”

I can hear Kev now… “Do you really give a ****?!”

Yes, Kevin. Apparently, I do.

I think he would remind me that maybe those people were never meant for me.

“Let it go, girl. Let it go.”

After all, for as hurt as I am by people who have faded out of my life, I am equally healed by those who are ever present in my life. A simple phone call from a cousin that I have only met a handful of times to just check on me sends my heart soaring. An unexpected gift in the mail from one of Kevin’s best friends had me in tears. And the random memories that are shared with me to let me know that he is not forgotten bring me so much joy.

Lord, hear my prayer. Let me release this bitterness from my mind, body and soul. Let me fill it with the love that Kevin left me. Let me find it in the people that he left me. Let me find it in new people that I meet. Lord, let me find it in myself.

Amen.

Till Next Time.