I know it can be daunting to help a loved one who is grieving. I also know that everyone is different in what they need or want when they’re hurting. For a long time, I have been so lost in my pain that I haven’t been able to fathom how it can be helped by anyone.

What could you possibly say to me that will take this pain away?

It still hurts like hell. I miss how safe Kev made me feel. I miss his immense love. I miss his unstoppable humor. God, I miss HIM.

Security, love, and humor are the three things I find myself desperately searching for without him here.

I need bear hugs. The kind that squeezes so tight, for a moment, the pain pulsing through my heart stops.

I need someone to hear about my gut wrenching pain not because I want them to have the antidote, but so I don’t feel alone in it. Just acknowledge my pain as valid.

I need to laugh through my tears. Humor is how I have always survived the pain. Now, I am just not able to laugh as easily as I use to laugh.

As this anniversary approaches… I have some pretty horrible PTSD-like flashbacks. Some strike up due to something that happens and others for no real reason. For example, I found myself in a parking lot crying hysterically and shoving peanut butter cups into my mouth. Not a pretty sight. Delicious, but not pretty.

I want my heart’s memory to be a blessing. I know I’ll get there, but until then I’ll need some help. I’ll need loved-ones to understand that the sad days are needed. They are needed because that’s how much I loved Kevin. A year may be approaching and I have come a long way, but I am not healed just yet.

November may be a dark cloud of a month for me for a long time or it may be a month of celebrating my heart and soul. For now, in this moment, it’s devasting and that’s what feels right to me.

No one can fix that, but they can witness it with me. They can tell me I am not crazy for still grieving the love of my life. Because that’s what he was to me. Not a boyfriend. The love of my life.

I am honored to grieve him.

Till Next Time.